H: Vicky Letch, host
A: Anita Naik, agony aunt
H: Hello I'm Vicky Letch and welcome to the Parenting Show. If you are the parent of a teenager this may be a familiar story to you. Are there some topics, sexual health and relationships issues for example that are just too embarrassing for you to discuss with your son or daughter? Or maybe you worry that talking to them about it might encourage them to have sex too early. Well results from a new survey by the Department of Children, Schools and Families, and Department of Health for the Sex Worth Talking About Campaign reveals that open and regular conversations with your teenagers can help them make better decisions. They will also be more likely to make safe, responsible choices to protect their health.
Joining me in the studio is author, columnist and mum Anita Naik. Welcome
A: Hello
H: Thank you very much for joining us today. Now we are streaming to you live of course, so if you have any questions that you'd like me to ask, or you want to air your views, please use the box on the screen and we'll get to them quick smart. Anita, thanks for being here. Now in terms of the research, actually some of the results were really very revealing. For starters 78% of teenagers do actually talk to their parents about sexual health and relationships which is so positive, but quite overwhelmingly over half of 16-18 year olds that we spoke to actually said that they wanted more conversations to help them make better decisions.
A: That's right. They wanted open conversations, so it's parents are talking to their teens but they're not talking to them in enough depth and about the things that the teens actually want to speak about. So I think the research pulled up that teens really wanted to speak about relationships, how to know when I'm ready to have sex, how to stand up to peer pressure and say no, all the things that they're perhaps not getting at school, alongside contraception and sexual infections and sexual health
H: So you think really parents who are having the conversations are sticking to the basics – almost the mechanics?
A: I think so, I think they're sticking to the basics and also they're sticking to – probably trying to get it over with quite quickly, because it is really embarrassing and a bit excruciating to talk to, and actually – and the teens probably aren't being clear about what they want, and actually what they want is a lot more of the emotional side that they're perhaps not getting at school because they're too embarrassed to tell their teacher that's what they want to know maybe
H: Yes absolutely
A: Yes
H: Now in terms of actually approaching your child, I mean I imagine you look at your child and you think they're grown up, you know they're a young woman, a young man now but when is that time right, because I should imagine lots of parents probably watching today would think well hold on a sec, I don't want to be that person to plant the seeds if they're not even thinking that way yet
A: Well I think if you're not talking to your kids about sex and your teen, somebody else is for a start. You know in the school playground, it all starts earlier than we all think, and just because your teen's not saying anything doesn't mean they're not thinking about it. Os often I think teens want you to talk to them about it but are afraid to bring it up thinking that you might judge them. And you want to talk to your teens about it but you might be thinking mmm I might just wait until they bring it up, so nobody's actually talking
H: Yes and no one's actually going for the conversation in the first place
A: That's right
H: But it must be quite a difficult decision, when you've made the choice that you're going to have that talk, how much detail do you think a parent should go into?
A: Well the good news is it's not that big, embarrassing talk on the sofa, it's lots of repetitive conversations in small chunks over time. Everyday conversations every day we call it. And the earlier you start the better. All the research shows you know if you start talking to your kids about things that – about their bodies and stuff when they're younger it gets easier to talk about the harder stuff when they're older
H: Yes. And I have to say, that's it straight away, it's changing the language of it – "the talk" is how, certainly when I was younger that's how it was discussed, it was "the talk" it was the talk around the kitchen table
A: That's right
H: But it's almost having a mini series, so maybe not every day but it becomes that thing that's not that big, scary beast, and we can talk about it
A: That's right and there is so much to talk about, I mean that's the thing, you couldn't probably get it all in to one conversation and you know different things come up at different ages and when different things happen at school, and I think it's listening to those anecdotes your kids are telling you about their friends and what their friends are doing, or what they're talking about in the news, you know all this stuff about celebrities being unfaithful, that's a really great way to get into a conversation if you can't think how to bring up, like relationship talk
H: Yes absolutely. I have mentioned that we're live, but just a reminder if you have any questions do make sure that you field them through to us. I'm going to take one now actually from Amy in Liverpool, thank you very much. And Amy says "I've spoken to my daughter about sexual health but now my son is a little older I feel I should be speaking to him about this too, but I'm a bit embarrassed. Do you have any top tips on how I should speak to them?"
A: Well get your partner involved, dads are big shirkers when it comes to talking about sex education
H: Yes, yes
A: They don't like to do it, and often I think both girls and boys they like to speak to both parents about different things
H: Yes
A: Not necessarily the same things. If there isn't another partner on the scene or anything I think just talk to your son in the same way you talked to your daughter. Kind of try and guage what he wants to know, his level of understanding so you can give him age appropriate information and again small chunks, little bits at a time, not overwhelm him with everything at once for him
H: Yes. And do you think it would be a case of the son would prefer to go to the dad and the daughter would prefer to go to the mum or –
A: I think it depends on who you're closer to and whose more open with you in general, because I think if you can both do it that's great, but as long as one of you does it or you actually, you know you know what the other partner is saying, it's a good idea to sort of try and get on the same page before you start doing anything
H: Yes ok. Actually that ties in nicely with Keith's question, thanks Keith. He says "my youngest son tends to speak to his older sister more about sex than me, as it seems less embarrassing. I just make sure she's giving him good advice by keeping her as well-informed as possible." I think that's actually a really nice idea
A: I think that's great, I think it's great if you know that the older child is giving the right information which he obviously is, he's making sure. But I think you know I think teens and kids do want to speak to their parents as well. There's no reason why they can't do both side by side. Maybe if their daughter could give more in-depth information but he could find out where his son's at and encourage his son a bit more to talk to him
H: Yes absolutely and also I suppose if it's not an older sister or an older brother it could be anyone in that teens' life that they look up to, that they would go for advice on any other subject
A: That's right
H: Maybe go to that person whose a trusted figure
A: A trusted figure. I think you have to just make sure that the information is appropriate and it is something that you agree with, you know because sex education is also about teaching about life skills and also about morals and the things that you believe in and passing them down and so you want to make sure that everybody's, as I say on the same page
H: Yes and I think actually you've just touched on that, when we talk about sex education I think lots of people think it is all about the physical side and the parts of the body and how this all works, but there are so many more elements to it, there's the emotions, there's actually getting involved with another person and you're right, if it's a parent or someone else they can really have that in-depth conversation with
A: That's right and it is life skills. I mean it's teaching them how to negotiate, make the right decisions, I mean that's what the research goes back to, you know these – this – I think it's something like 48% of teens felt they would have made better decisions for themselves
H: Yes
A: Had they had - you know - better conversations that were more in-depth about relationships and sex. It's very hard to stand up to your peer group I think when you're a teen, you want to fit in don't you?
H: Yes absolutely, and you want to believe everything they're telling you which is a bit frightening because they're not always telling you the right stuff. So I think you know as a parent you can step in there and be the mediator and help the people to get through that kind of quagmire of information
H: Yes absolutely. Right we've got another one here from – oh no is that the same question from Amy? Sorry I think that's the same question from Amy. I'll go back to your questions in a moment, so what about if there's a situation at home and the teenager wants to talk to the parent and the parent wants to talk to the teenager but for some reason that's just not happening – what's an ice-breaker if you like? What would be a good way to get over that?
A: There's lots of really great ice-breakers. I think you know soap operas are fantastic for relationship sort of stuff and for you know adverts about the way they're sort of formulating about sex and stuff because Sex Worth Talking About adverts are all over the place at the moment
H: Yes, yes
A: They're great to talk about. If you're watching this, this is a good story to spin off. Anything that you hear or that you see or you know your teen's actually bringing up herself is a really, really good way to sort of feed into all the sex and relationship education that you want to give them
H: Yes absolutely. Ok here's a question from Mrs M Smythers I think. Smithers – Smythers or Smithers. Potato potato – let's not sing! I've got the opposite problem to most viewers. I want to talk to my 13 year old daughter but she doesn't want to talk to me about it."
A: That is a really hard one, I mean lots of teenagers they do that rolling of the eyes and the sulky "oh mum"
H: Oh mum
A: I already know, that kind of thing. I think it's persevering and again trying to come in on something that's a bit more kind of anecdotal and not personal, so maybe again films, TV, something where you can talk about a subject in general and then slowly bring it back to the person, not all at once
H: Yes
A: Maybe over a series of conversations. It is really hard, you know I do feel for a lot of parents because I think a lot of teens are so embarrassed they just don't – you know – they just can't bring themselves to ask it
H: Yes
A: But they do want to talk to them, they do, they do want to talk to their parents, so you know persevere.
H: Yes I would say persevere and also if that hasn't been your relationship or how your relationship works, it's a big topic, so I suppose once you've had that first slightly awkward conversation, it will be nothing but easier over time
A: I agree. I think you have to build, I mean this is why they say you know the younger you start the better because it enables you to build up to the bigger conversations, but it is never too late. Never too late to talk to your teen, so keep persevering and build slowly into –
H: Absolutely
A: And don't frighten her off by being too kind of you know too over the top too quickly
H: Yes absolutely. Ok here's another one from Jess, thank you Jess. She says "I'm really uncomfortable with the increase in sex education in school, in my view this is the parent's responsibility to do it at home. Would you agree?"
A: I think they go hand-in-hand together. I think you get different information at school than you get from home
H: Yes
A: I think you get a lot of the facts and the mechanics and the nitty gritty at school that – the biological facts that you perhaps wouldn't get at home, and most you know, teenagers say that what they want at home is something different, they want the relationships, the emotions, the life skills, the how to say no, all the sign-posting to where do I go for help and information from my parents. Whereas at school you get the very general information, so they work really well hand-in-hand
H: Yes absolutely.
A: And also you never know what your kids are really learning at school so you can't just rely on that
H: You can't, but also I'd say Jess I do understand where you're coming from. I think you'd want some element of control of what your child is being told, but actually that's not life is it, because we all get fed information all the time, on a day-to-day basis
A: That's right
H: So it might actually end up opening doors up for some parents
A: I think so
H: Oh what did you learn today, oh let's have a talk about that
A: And I think a lot of sexual information isn't coming from the sex and relationships education program at school. I mean they're picking up messages from the playground from the internet, from the television that you might not want them to get or they might not understand, so in a way talking about it at home enables you to see what their understanding levels are, and also what they know and more importantly what they don't know
H: Yes more importantly exactly. Right another question here from Samantha from Worcester, thank you very much. She says "my 13 year old daughter has just had her first proper boyfriend and I think she would benefit on some advice. What should I do?" You see that must be a huge one for so many parents. I remember still to this day when I had my first boyfriend I was so madly in love and I remember thinking I know best, I know this is real,
A: Yes
H: And you get a bit older and you look back and you go mmm I didn't necessarily know best. What would you say for a parent to do in that situation?
A: Well I think the fact that she knows her daughter's got a boyfriend is a really great thing, at least her daughter's telling her
H: Yes
A: It's worse when you don't know isn't it? And I think you know it's a way in to sort of talk to her about it to find out how it's going. I mean the thing is to try not to pry, because if you try to pry and try to find out exactly where it's going she's going to like freak out, so it's just say kind of things like is it going well? Are you happy? Is he nice to you? You know find out those little things
H: Yes
A: Try and find out what – where the relationship's going and where she's at in the relationship really
H: Yes
A: And then from there you'll be able to give her the right advice that she needs. I mean she might not need any advice, she might not be doing anything, you know, it's just likely that she might want to just talk to you about it which is the nicest way to go into a scenario like that
H: That's it, and also I imagine some parents think but it's changed so much since when I was a teenager, but actually basic humans and how other people should treat other people is exactly the same isn't it?
A: That's right, that's right and I think you've got to have a bit of faith in her that you know you've brought her up so far that she's going to make good decisions
H: Yes
A: And that she's basically told you she's got a boyfriend so that's, you know a really nice thing to kind of step into and find out how happy she is really
H: Yes. Ok. Moving on with another question, James, thank you very much. James says "I'm a single dad with two teenager daughters." Whooah brave man! "And I don't know how to start this discussion. Help! See now I imagine that is ringing home with so many of our viewers because it probably is slightly more tricky for some dads talking to their daughters
A: I think so, I think it's hard for dads, it is hard. I mean it's – it's, you know we're trying to encourage dads to talk to their kids more, but a lot of dads themselves, you know they didn't really get any sex education themselves from their parents, so it's not – you know as a girl you're more likely to have had some from your mum or something. But I think there's no reason, if you're bringing up your daughters on your own and you can't speak to them about general things, again like relationships again, everyday conversations every day – small things, feeding off the news off the TV. You know I think it gets excruciating and painful when you make it too personal too quickly and they're not used to it
H: Yes
A: And you kind of go in there and go have you got a boyfriend, are you in love with him, are you going to marry him? And then you have your kids run screaming from the room really. But slowly, slowly is the best approach
H: It is, slowly and gently, you know James it could be simple things like, you know, what are you doing today, who are you seeing today?
A: Yes
H: You know maybe not too many question because that would also get quite frustrating
A: Yes
H: But then yes easing into it –
A: That's right
H: Rather than immediate because I think as a parent your initial response is I want to protect my child, and so probably your defences could come out in a negative way maybe
A: Yes I think so and I think you can assume too much, you know think that your child's doing more than they actually are or more experienced than they are, and they're not, you know, silly, teenagers – they know when you're judging them and they're going to just shut down if you do that. I mean I think another important fact is to keep things that they say to you confidential. I mean I know parents who like to tell a good anecdote about what their kids said about their relationship and it is quite funny but it's not –and if your teenager hears you doing that they will never tell you anything again
H: Yes
A: So remember to keep it confidential and between you
H: Yes. That's really good advice actually I got told off from my niece once for telling a secret that I promised I wouldn't tell, and to them it is really important
A: It is
H: So yes, that's good
A: It's really heartfelt and you know genuine as well
H: Yes. Lisa, thank you very much Lisa. Lisa said "I had my daughter very young" – she was 16 – "so I think I will find it difficult to give her advice as she might accuse me of being a hypocrite. How can I be confident she won't?" I can promise you Lisa you're not the only person that would be thinking exactly that
A: I mean in a way I think she's in an ideal place to give her daughter advice
H: I agree, yes
A: And information because what she could talk about is how she might have made better decisions had she had more information
H: Yes
A: I mean I don't know the background to her story or anything, but you know she could talk to her daughter about so many things about why she made the decisions she made, how she would have lived her life maybe differently – I mean she might not have done, but you know there's a whole wealth of stuff that she can talk from her own experience
H: Yes
A: So her daughter can't say to her well you don't understand because she does understand because she has been there before
H: She has been there and you know as long as your daughter feels very loved which I'm sure she does, it's still ok to hear that side of it isn't it, that's ok
A: That's right and all teenagers think their kids are – their parents are hypocrites anyway regardless of what they do so
H: Regardless. Right let's see have we got any more – have we got time for more questions? This one's from John, John in Romford, hi John. "My daughter is 11 but looks 14 and already gets looks from boys, she's still emotionally very young. Is it too young to broach the subject?" Now I don't know about you but even getting on the bus just today
A: Yes
H: You can see children and you think I'm sure you're about ten years old but you look about 14 or 15 which is fine for that child but actually it's how others perceive them and I think that would be a huge worry
A: That is a huge worry and I think you do have to talk to you know your teens and your tweens even
H: Yes
A: About these things because it is – it's fine to wear what you want but at the same time you have to be aware of how other people perceive you, and there's some really important messages around safety there, you know not just about sex education and relationships but about being safe and about being, you know, portraying who you really are to other people. Again it's all down to life skills
H: Yes
A: And that's quite an easy topic to talk about, and not easy in that it's painful for you as a parent, but it's an easier topic to talk about than you know maybe some of the harsher stuff later on
H: Yes. And in terms of 11, I mean is 11 too young? I suppose it's individual for every parent and every child?
A: I think you know children develop at different ages, some 11 year olds look older because they're taller and they're more developed or maybe they've started puberty earlier. You can't really help – I mean obviously there's certain ways of dressing that can exacerbate that or not, but as a parent it's up to you to kind of decide what's appropriate for your child and what isn't
H: Yes ok. Another question from Amy, that's the second question from Amy, Amy thank you very much. Amy's asking "I worry that talking to my daughter about sexual health may encourage her to become sexually active earlier. What should I do?" And we did touch on this briefly at the top of our chat, what do you think?
A: I think that's a really big fear with parents
H: Yes
A: They think if you talk about sex it's encouraging your child to have sex, but there's no evidence at all to show that. The evidence actually shows that if you talk to your children about sex education and relationships it actually helps them to delay sex and make better decisions around sex, and I think it's what I said to you before you know if you're not talking to them somebody else is, and somebody you don't really want to be talking to them about it
H: Yes
A: It's better for you to do it
H: Because we've mentioned that a couple of times now, what sort of question should a parent be asking their child? If they are worried about things they're hearing in the playground, or you know after school, hanging around with their mates, you know how would they tackle that?
A: I think you know what you could do is you could either make up a little anecdote like a friend was telling me her daughter said this, have you heard that in the playground? Do you think that's true or you know try – it depends what you're trying to find out. Are you trying to find out if they're sexually active, are you trying to find out what myths they know or what they don't know? So I think you – pick a subject and then you know try and find a way in either through television or film or through an anecdote that you can make up so that you can draw them out. And again keep it away from the personal, don't say you know, go in there and say "are you having sex?" Because they're just not going to tell you or you're going to frighten them
H: Yes. It's all about easing in, I think that's probably what we've got mainly from this discussion is just easing, both of you in because it's hard for both parties
A: Yes and slowly, slowly, but you know do it every day if you can and do it repetitively and you know make it a conversation that is normal for you to have at home
H: Yes absolutely. Brilliant well thank you so much
A: You're welcome
H: Thank you for your time today and I hope that's helped all of you at home. Obviously if you do want any more information or advice do check out Sex Worth Talking About campaign website which is nhs.uk/worthtalkingabout -good bye for now.
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