No one ever said growing up was easy. That's as true for today's teenagers as it's always been, but dealing with the issues that crop up during your children's adolescence can be just as hard for parents. As the new social networking website from Parentline Plus www.gotateenager.org.uk tells us, it's not just risky behaviours like sex, drugs and alcohol that parents find challenging to cope with, but exams, peer pressure, anger and more besides...

Many of the conflicts that exist between parents and kids arise from basic misunderstandings and lack of communication. Whatever your personal situation, if you've got teenagers in your life, logging on to our exclusive webchat with parenting expert Suzie Hayman can improve your understanding of the key issues and help you to help each other.

Through her books, journalism, broadcast appearances and personal counselling, Suzie's insight and advice has been helping parents and teenagers for 20 years. She'll be on hand to answer all your questions, and will also be telling you how online social networking is taking up the challenge of bringing mums, dads and teenagers closer together. Log on to the chat and find out more; it's the grown up thing to do!

For more information visit www.gotateenager.org.uk

H: Host, Nicola Bonn
S: Suzie Hayman, parenting expert

H: Hello and welcome to the Parenting Show, I'm Nicola Bonn. Now then, no one ever said growing up was easy, and that's as true for today's teenagers as it's always been but dealing with the issues that crop up during your children's adolescence can be just as hard for parents. So if you've got teenagers in your life, do keep watching because I'm joined by parenting expert who can improve your understanding of the key issues and help you to help each other. Suzie Hayman, welcome to the show

S: Hi Nicola, good to be here

H: Good to have you too. Now remember we are live today, so if you do want to get your questions answered, type in the box on your screen, click send, and I promise you we'll do our best to tackle as many as we can. Suzie, I think we should begin by talking about you, because you are a parenting expert – what have you done in your long career?

S: What have I done to earn that?

H: Well yes

S: I used to be a teacher, trained as a teacher. I worked for the Family Planning Association and for Brook Advisory Centres that do birth control clinics for young people. I've written for many, many years – teenage magazines, women's magazines, men's magazines –

H: Yes

S: About all sorts of relationship issues.  And I trained as a Relate counsellor, so I'm a Relate trained counsellor, couples' counsellor. I've also done training to deliver parenting courses, and I made a particular speciality in step families because I'm a step-mum myself. And I joined as a trustee an organisation called the National Step Family Association that then folded into Parentline and became Parentline Plus, so I became a trustee of that. So I've been involved really in the parenting field for years and years and years and I've written a lot of books for parents, for couples on all sorts of these sort of issues, and a lot of them on parenting issues

H: So tell me about these issues?  Today we're talking about teenagers in particular, more about the problems that the parents face rather than the teenagers – what are the issues?

S: I think the big thing is the rules change when your child becomes a teenager. The point is you've probably spent about 10 or 12 years perfecting the skills of being a parent of a child, and to be the parent of a child – and I won't say a perfect parent because there's no such thing as a perfect parent – to be a good enough parent of a child, you do have to be somebody who guides and supports and protects, shall we say, perhaps mother – sometimes knows best.  Children look up to you, you are the centre of their world, they want your acceptance, they want your, you know your love, and you are the person they look to. When you hit the teenage years that all changes because the job of a teenager, the task in a sense, of a teenager is to separate, to break free. So all the things they're doing is to pull away and to basically say you're no longer the boss of me, I've got to make up my own mind, my friends are now more important to me. Now if you're the parent of somebody when that's going on it can be incredibly hurtful.  You're desperately, you know maybe trying to do the same thing you've always done which is you know, no dear, this is how you do it, and all of a sudden this kid is saying I don't want to know you –and that's, it's painful, it's hard, it's difficult, and it's about learning the whole set of new skills while you've got this hormone raging young person who is trying to find their own place in life, who perhaps is fighting against you, not because they don't love you any more, but because they've got to do this, I'm separate, I'm different, and it's the skills of balancing that all up that parents, you know, need to acquire

H: So how long do these hormones last for – from the age of what 13-18?

S: Well it can kick in a bit earlier than that and it can go on longer than that, but I think – the hormones obviously there is a real issue there because their bodies are changing, their bodies are growing. I mean teenage clumsiness actually has a physical reason to it which is the reason why kids keep knocking over things when they're that sort of age, is because a week ago that hand was nearer than it is now

H: Gosh

S: And the brain hasn't quite caught up with it, so that's why they stumble around, and that's why they slump against walls and you know, do this all the time because you know they're shy, they're embarrassed about their bodies, they can't quite, you know, get this thing under control, but actually a lot of it really is about the emotion, it's about this pulling away, this separating, this being, you know I've now got to be my own person therefore I've got to argue with you in order to make that stand

H: Now obviously you've got the arguing with the parents, but teenagers I know that I did – you go through this whole private world of angst

S: Absolutely

H: And so many problems can arise – what kind of problems happen to the teenagers that maybe parents don't really understand and can't get a grip of?

S: I think if you think back, and that perhaps is one of the most difficult things, and if you actually sit down and think what was it like when I was a teenager, you'll remember all of it, because I don't think in fact teenagers go through much these days than their parents didn't go through in perhaps slightly different ways, but basically you know a lot of it is all the same, but we forget it when we become parents, we move into a new box and we forget what it was like. But they're going through, yes, embarrassments about the changes of their bodies, the development, it suddenly looks different, feels different to what it was, you know a year ago, and that can be very confusing. They're going through anxieties about their feelings because they shift from, you know, as I said the parents being the most important thing in their lives to friends being important, to members of whichever sex they're attracted to, becoming important and so they're going, you know they're struggling through all these feelings of "I want to be like that, I want that – how am I going to manage this, am I normal, is this ok?" And sometimes you can talk to your parents and sometimes actually you don't want to talk to your parents because you want to be, you want to be doing this on your own

H: Yes

S: And there may also be issues that actually you don't want to talk to your parents because in a sense they're the problem.  If you're, what you're struggling with as a teenager, I want to make up my mind as to what I'm going to do in life, I want to – you know – see my friends when I like – your parents may be the last person you want to talk to, because they're the ones who are putting the barriers in your way

H: Now the subject of talking, I know that teenagers, I know when I was a teenager I invented words, I invented languages, I didn't want my parents to understand anything I was going through or anything I was saying. Does this still exist? Do parents find it hard to understand what their kids are going on about?

S: Absolutely. Some of it is purely the mindset – they are exploring and struggling with things that are, you know, perhaps different from what you're exploring and struggling with at that time, but there also is a thing about language, there is about – the words that young people use – and they have a slang of their own often, and sometimes it's tribal, it's about the people that they're friends with, so a particular area might have particular slang, but a lot of it, what it is actually saying is we talk in this way because it says that those of you within the boundary who understand it are part of my group, and those on the outside are the outsiders and it's a way of saying we're a teenagers group, you know we're this sort of, you know, I belong to this, I don't belong to you. This is one of the reasons why Parentline Plus's new website gotateenager has a jargon buster on it, which we thought was a bit of fun because if your teenagers are using words in front of you and you don't know what on earth they're talking about, it can be quite useful perhaps to click in on the jargon buster and decode some of those words. Now what's very important Nicola, very important, don't use them! Don't say them!

H: shall we do the scenario here now!  Ok so you be my mother, and you say something utterly uncool

S: well don't say nang and sick and all these sort of things, because it is so uncool to be trying to be down with the kids and show that you know it. But, here's a useful scenario. There you are sitting in the kitchen, just about waking up for the day, your first coffee and your teenager daughter wanders through, with her MP3 player in you know

H: Of course

S: And in passing says to you "mum that top is really sick" and you're sitting there thinking "I've been dissed by my teenager". You go to work, you have a horrible day, you come home in a foul mood because she said something so horrible to you, and you have a great row. Go on the jargon buster, put in sick and you'll find what she actually said was wicked, cool, fantastic, brilliant

H: And your day is so much better

S: It was a compliment. So it's useful to check out those words, but don't use them

H: And on a more serious note, I know that, you know with knife crime, I mean it's just so – it's everywhere isn't it, in the press at the moment – there are words for knives that obviously teenagers would use to hide it from the parents. If a parent overhears a conversation, hears the word –

S: Shank. Something like that

H: Is that what it is?

S: Yes that's one of the words. Yes, you look, it up. But I think – yes it's about being able, perhaps to understand what's going on, not to use it back at them

H: Absolutely

S: But to understand. I think it's quite important, however, to recognise that often the press will run away with an issue that is in all the press because it's the scary issue of the day, or it's the one that attracts – doesn't mean to say that it's absolutely prevalent. I know the figures for knife crime, the figures for deaths among teenagers are horrendous, but it doesn't mean to say that every teenager is caught up in this, or every area is caught up in this. So don't, therefore, feel that as a parent you're absolutely under siege. Because that's not necessarily so

H: Well Susie I'm just going to tell everyone at home that if you do want to get a question answered, we have a true specialist here – just type in the box on your screen, click send and we will do our best to tackle it, I promise. And actually we've got some questions in, so may we begin asking them?

S: Sure

H: Got a question in from Rachel, she's saying "our oldest daughter's at uni doing very well, but our 15 year old is struggling to focus on her exams" and they're worrying she feels pressure to do as well as her sister. What would you suggest?

S: I think that's very likely, particularly she's at the same school as her older sister was at, perhaps she's getting it from teachers there. And it may be that whether you realise or not Rachel, that you're really – you're not realising it, you're not deliberately doing it, but there's a little bit of why can't you be like your sister, you know your big sister was good at this - and or she may feel the expectations. It's quite important to be able to say to children that you are the best Nicola. You are the best Melanie in my life or whatever, so that there isn't a feeling of any comparison between the two, and think back on perhaps you know the words you used and how you talk to them, but even if you do have favourites, and I think all parents have favourites because you, you know the child you identify with is your favourite – it's very important to make the behaviour the same, so what you're in a sense saying to your child is – we're beginning fresh, this is nothing to do with what your sister did, it's about what is good for you, you need to do the best that you can do, and I'm there to help you and to support you. So perhaps sit down with her and try and be very encouraging, very supportive, very much on the line – I'm here for you, how can I help you make this a bit easier, because it feels as if you're struggling, and that there are no expectations. The only expectation is that you do the best for yourself

H: That's a very good answer, I like that.  Got one from Sylvia. "My 15 year old son has just discovered girls. I'm worried this mix with cider down the park could get him into trouble. Problem is he won't listen to me. How can I offer him advice without him thinking I'm nagging?"

S: Right, best way of doing this is not to offer advice, and I know that sounds so difficult as a parent, because you want to be – again it's back to the guiding and protecting, you want to give them the benefits of your own experience, you think you see the way it's going and so you want to tell them how they should be protected. For a young person whose trying to stand on their own two feet, for a young person who's feeling – you know he's an apprentice adult, and he's feeling all these adult feelings, all these adult emotions and urges, he really doesn't want to feel that you're giving him advice. I think the better way of doing it is to say, what an exciting time of life, to him. You know this sounds as if you're really enjoying yourself. Sit down and tell me about it. You use open questions, you don't offer a closed question like what were you doing, or you know, were you drinking?

H: It's so hard though isn't it?

S: It's a question that says, you can only say yes or no to. You do an open question which is "tell me about your night?" Tell me about, what you enjoyed about tonight. And very much invite the conversation rather than be the older person giving the benefit of your advice

H: And what if that conversation doesn't go anywhere and the teenager doesn't answer?

S: You just keep going on being open.  And you can also say, you can make a statement to them about your worries, but it must be about you, it's not about saying to them – you are doing this and it's worrying. You say – when you go down to the park at night, and I think you're drinking, I get worried. So you're saying actually I have the worry. When you do this I feel this because - what are we going to do about it? So what you're doing is you're inviting him to say listen, I'm not drinking and getting totally drunk and having an orgy, I'm just sitting with my friends, having a glass or two, chatting, and yes I am attracted to these girls and I'm exploring that, but you know, and then you can start exploring that, and again come to parentlineplus.org.uk, come to gotateenager, you'll find information there about specific ways of inviting discussions about sex, and it's not about telling them, it's about inviting the discussion, and then making it two ways. It's about listening as much as you're telling

H: Which so many parents don't do. Here's one I think a lot of people go through, it's from David. He's saying here "I recently discovered that my son was hiding his poor attendance at college from me. Now I'm worried he might not make the grades to get to uni, how can I connect with him without patronising him?"

S: Yes. Again maybe it might be about expressing your feelings rather than about what he's doing. So when I hear this is happening, I feel worried because I, because you know I really was thinking that you were going to be getting a career out of this. What are we going to do about it? Ask him, is there a problem? Can you tell me, is there a problem in a sympathetic way, so in other words rather than taking it to them as a complaint or a telling off or an accusation, you're actually saying "is there a problem here that I can help you with? What can we do together? You know are you feeling, are you struggling, is there something else going on in your life that's making this difficult? Has the course been not what you expected, would you rather be doing something else? Tell me and then what can we do about it to make things better for you?

H: Although I remember when I was having problems at school, telling my mother and her going slightly hysterical about the whole thing – no!

S: Yes I think exactly, and I think the thing is to really be very aware of the fact that if, you know they are doing it for themselves, not for you. You may have a very clear idea what you want your teenager to do in life, and if that's not actually squaring up with them at the moment, you know you've got problems there, because why should they be doing something for you? They should be doing it for themselves. So it's about trying to help them find their particular way through all this

H: I see. Very tough

S: As you said, nobody ever said it was easy. It really isn't an easy thing to be a parent. It's not an easy thing to be a teenager, it's not an easy thing to be a parent, which is why parentlineplus is there, why gotateenager is there, because we know that while, yes there may be some parents who actually need a lot of help.  All parents at some time need help

H: Yes because I was thinking when you're at school you learn maths and biology, but you never actually learn parenting

S: And that's what gotateenager is all about, because we've actually got e-learning modules there, specific things where if you join, click on, which are going to be able to take you through learning some of the skills and some of the strategies to be able to tackle all these sorts of questions

H: And here's another question from Siti – "from a multi-cultural background with different heritages, my son is having difficulties fitting in and is wondering about his identity. How can I help?" That is a really difficult one, because sometimes, if you're at a school I guess, and everyone else is of a different background, you don't know who you are. What can you do?

S: It's really difficult and I particularly can identify with that because I'm Jewish, and I think there's a culture there that you need to click into, you need to understand about your family and yes it can be different from your friends and the family you're around. I think the best thing to do there is to be proud of your own identity, remember that children model themselves on their parents, even though, as I said they're separating from their parents, there's still an awful lot of modelling, and they will pick up what you do, not what you say, so it's no good, for instance, saying to a child you shouldn't drink.  You know they will copy what you do.  So if you are proud of your culture, if your culture is something that's important to you, they'll pick that up, and it's about really saying it's here, let's talk about it ,what would you like to know about, is there anything I can do to help you, you know maybe join certain groups, maybe join certain things, to get a strength out of this, but also to recognise that sometimes protective camouflage really is quite important to other people, so they may actually want to blend in with their friends rather than be part of their heritage. They'll come back to it if they want to and if they need to

H: Right. Now I remember when I was a teenager –oh my word, my dad used to turn up to school with the windows open, music blaring, I'm so cool – and Thomas has sent in – this is a brilliant question – "what about the modern trend for parents trying to be friends with their children rather than parents, does it prevent them growing and breaking away?"

S: Yes. And I think it's actually – and I know, I think it's really important for parents to be friendly, to be friendly with their children. It's really important for parents to have respect, to listen, to try and be on the wavelength to understand. But, that does not mean that you stop being a parent.  You're the grown-up, you're the adult, you're the parent. There are times when you need to draw a line and say, you know, I say no, and this is why, and I think you should be explaining why, but to hold that boundary.  If you're a friend with a child you're actually depriving them of something that they need, which is the parent who is there for a safety net. They may be refusing the safety net at the moment, in some ways but actually they need it to be there. So I think that he's absolutely right, I think that it's absolutely important to hold that boundary

H: Parent foremost, friend –

S: Not a friend at all.  Friendly. 

H: Right

S: you're not a friend, you're a parent, keep that in mind. You're the grown-up, you're the adult, you're the parent, but you need to be a listening one, a flexible one, so that you can change the rules sometimes and you are trying to walk in their shoes as it were to understand how they're feeling and what they're saying, but still you're the grown-up

H: Now there are people watching right now who haven't got teenagers yet but they're going to be facing this problematic time very soon, and Jill says here, "I'm not the parent of a teenager yet, my 11 and 10 year olds are already beginning to display the early signs – sullenness, slamming doors, I hate you, that kind of thing. How can I make sure I don't lose that bond I had with them as kids growing up whilst giving them space?" oh this sounds so scary

S: I know. Lots of tips and techniques and strategies which as I was saying on gotateenager we do specify these sorts of things and I'm writing, I'm writing a book at the moment, teach yourself Parenting Teenagers, and it's going to have in it all these sorts of ideas of how to say things that will take the heat out. Now for instance when a child says "I hate you" – what they actually mean is I'm angry with you at the moment, and what you say back is, you don't say "oh how horrible" oh that hurts, you say "I can hear you're very angry with me at the moment." And that may then allow you to go on to say "could you tell me what you're feeling or what you're angry about, can we do something about it?"

H: Right

S: But I think the important thing is, to keep that listening ear, to understand you know what they're going through and what it's all about, but also I think it's very important to keep in mind, hold the mindset of the teenage years are such fun! They're exciting, they are exploring, they are growing up, they're learning all these amazing things and you can sort of ride on the coat tails of all that excitement and amazement and exploration and you know experiments, and all these sorts of things, if you're seeing it as something that's positive. If you go into it with the mindset of oh my God this is going to be awful, you're going to battle with them. If you go into it with the mindset of this is a necessary part, and so some of it's going to be tough, but there's going to be some really good things in there as well

H: An adventure

S: That's right, it is adventure, it really is, and it's an up and down adventure, you know go with it, go with the flow, but if you hold that as your mindset I think you can actually see it as something that you're far more in control of. The point about control is, being in control of your own feelings and recognise you're not necessarily going to be in control of their behaviour, so – and you know let those reigns go. And I tell you, if you let those reigns go, they'll come back to you, because if what you're saying is I understand this is difficult, but I'm always here for you, there are limits on behaviour, I don't want you to do, you know no slamming doors, if you're upset with me, tell me.  Put it in words and let's discuss it, you know I don't want this behaviour, but I will always, always love you, so it's giving unconditional love, whilst putting limits on some behaviour.  That's the way to do it

H: You're such a good parent! Now we are running out of time, just one more question from Liz here who basically says "what is the worst thing as a parent?"  What's the worst thing they go through?

S: As a parent?

H: With a teenager

S: With a teenager - I think it's that loss of control. I think it's the feeling of they're leaving me, I'm being made redundant, I'm old, I'm on the scrapheap, I'm no longer loved, I'm no longer needed. But again, the point is that if you want to win your badge – as I said, there's no such thing as a perfect parent, but there's a good enough parent, and the badge you win is you actually say I can go with that, but in fact it's a necessary part of them becoming the person that they want to be, and then they'll come back to me if I can lose control. If I can accept the fact that they're going, not because they'll reject me but because they're going towards, it's not that they're turning their back on me, they're going towards adulthood and themselves. If you can go with the flow on that, you've made it. But I think the other thing is to really really remember as the parent of a teenager is that it is a hard job

H: Yes

S: Don't take it personally, get some support and help. That's what gotateenager.org.uk is all about, that's what parentlineplus.org.uk is all about – it's about being able to connect with getting information, talking to other parents, recognising you're not the only one, and there are skills and techniques that are going to help you manage it

H: Liz thank you so much and that does sound like an absolutely brilliant resource which actually I'm going to look at, even though I haven't even got a baby yet, I think it's perfect! Listen I'm afraid that's all we have time for today, for more advice and tips remember in ensuring you have a healthy relationship with your teenagers, please visit go to – got a – I'm so sorry – gotateenager.org.uk. And thank you very much, good luck with it.